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00:00:01,020 --> 00:00:02,580
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:10,860
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.
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00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:14,140
Its crew, Dave Lister,
the last human being alive,
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00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:17,900
Arnold Rimmer,
a hologram of his dead bunkmate,
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and a creature
who evolved from the ship's cat.
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Message ends.
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Additional.
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As the days go by,
we face the increasing inevitability
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that we are alone in a godless,
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uninhabited, hostile
and meaningless universe.
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Still, you've got to laugh, haven 't you?
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WOMAN ON TV: Sit down, Brook.
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There '5 something I must tell you.
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BROOK ON TV: What is it, Kalli?
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I wasn't with Simone
that evening, Brook.
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I spent the night with Gary.
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00:02:03,940 --> 00:02:06,580
Your ex-husband Gary? My business rival?
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00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,260
What are you telling me, Kalli?
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I 'm saying, Brook junior...
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- What about Brook junior?
- He isn't your android.
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(SPEAKING ESPERANTO)
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Wait a minute! I know this one.
Don't tell me! Don't tell me!
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I hope when you come
the weather will be clement.
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00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:59,860
I hope when you come
the weather will be clement.
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Lister, don't tell me!
I could have got that!
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(SPEAKING ESPERANTO)
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Ah! I remember this from last time.
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Please could you direct me
to a five-star hotel.
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Wrong, actually.
Totally, utterly and completely wrong.
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00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:20,700
Please could you direct me
to a five-star hotel.
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00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:23,460
Lister, will you please shut up?
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- I'm only helping you.
- I don't need any help.
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(SPEAKING ESPERANTO)
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I would like to purchase
that orange inflatable beach ball
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and that small bucket and spade.
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The meal was splendid.
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My heartiest congratulations
to the chef.
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00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:44,140
What? Pause.
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00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:47,620
Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto
for eight years.
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How come you're so utterly useless?
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Oh, speaks!
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00:03:51,180 --> 00:03:53,380
And how many books
have you read in your entire life?
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00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:56,420
The same number
as Champion the Wonder Horse, zero!
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00:03:56,980 --> 00:03:59,260
- I've read books.
- Lister, we're not talking about books
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00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,100
where the main character
is a dog called Ben.
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00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:04,940
- I went to art college!
- You?
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00:04:05,260 --> 00:04:07,620
- Yeah.
- How did you get Into art college?
51
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:09,380
The normal way you get into art college.
52
00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:12,340
The same old usual, boring,
normal way you get in.
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00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,100
I failed me exams and applied.
54
00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:17,940
- They snapped me up.
- But you didn't get a degree, did you?
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00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:19,780
No. I dropped out. I wasn't there long.
56
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,740
- How long?
- Ninety-seven minutes.
57
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:24,820
I thought it was going to be
a good skive and all that,
58
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:27,820
but I took one look at the timetable
and just checked out, man.
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I mean it was ridiculous.
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They had lectures, like,
first thing in the afternoon!
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00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:35,100
We're talking half-past 12:00 every day!
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Who's together by then?
You can still taste the toothpaste.
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Well, unlike you, Lister,
I have ambitions.
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I'm not prepared to sit around all day
polishing my spacebike
65
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:47,260
so I can go joyriding through
some asteroid belt
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00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:48,740
because I'm not a gimp!
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And one of my ambitions is
to learn another language,
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so kindly let me get on with it. Play.
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(SPEAKING ESPERANTO)
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Ah, now this is one I do know.
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00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:03,220
The menu looks interesting.
I think I '11 try the chicken.
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00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:07,780
Holly, as the Esperantinos would say...
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(SPEAKING ESPERANTO)
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00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,780
And I think we all know what that means.
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Yeah. It means,
”Could you send for the hall porter?
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”There appears to be
a frog in my bidet. ”
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Is it? Well, what's that one about
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00:05:23,580 --> 00:05:25,020
your father was a baboon's rump
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00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:27,620
and your mother spent most of her life
up against walls with sailors?
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00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:32,460
- I'm not telling you.
- It's because you're bored, isn't it?
81
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,940
- That's why you're both annoying me.
- I'm not bored.
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00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:36,460
I've had a really busy morning.
83
00:05:36,540 --> 00:05:39,180
I've devised a system
to totally revolutionise music.
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- Get out of town!
- Yeah. I've decimal/sad it.
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Instead of the octave,
it's the decadive.
86
00:05:45,580 --> 00:05:48,020
And I've invented two new notes
H and J.
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00:05:48,220 --> 00:05:50,820
Hang on a minute.
You can't just invent new notes.
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Well, I have. Now it goes...
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00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:03,340
Fa, Mi, Re, Do
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What are you drivelling about?
92
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Hal Rock. It'll be a Whole new sound.
93
00:06:08,420 --> 00:06:11,540
All the instruments will be extra big
to incorporate my two new notes.
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00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:13,700
Triangles will have four sides.
95
00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:17,740
Piano keyboards
the length of zebra crossings.
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00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:21,380
Of course, women will have to be banned
from playing the cello.
97
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:24,260
Holly, shut up!
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00:06:24,460 --> 00:06:26,460
Oh, I forgot.
I haven 't told you the news.
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- What news?
- A signal. We 're getting a signal.
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It's probably nothing,
but I just thought I 'a' mention it.
101
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- Aliens.
- Oh, God. Aliens?
102
00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:38,780
Your explanation for anything
slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it?
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00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:40,740
You lose your keys, it's aliens.
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A picture falls off the wall,
it's aliens.
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00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:45,780
That time we used up
a whole bog roll in a day.
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You thought that was aliens as well.
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Well, we didn't use it all, Lister.
Who did?
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Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?
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Just cos they're aliens,
doesn't mean to say
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they don't have to visit
the little boys' room,
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only they probably do something weird
and alienesque,
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00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:06,620
like it comes out of
the top of their heads or something.
113
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Well, I wouldn't like to be
stuck behind one in a cinema!
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Here, mousey, mousey!
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I got some cheese!
I only wanna be your friend!
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- Yo, Cat!
- Huh?
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- We're getting a signal. Come on.
- Aliens!
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It's a distress call from
a ship called the Nova V.
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They've crash-landed.
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- I'm trying to establish contact.
- Another ship? Brilliant!
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- So it's not aliens, then?
- No. They're from Earth.
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I hope they've got
some spare odds and sods on board.
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We 're a bit short on a few supplies.
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- Like what?
- Cow's milk.
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Ran out of that yanks ago.
Fresh and dehydrated.
126
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What kind of milk are we using now?
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Emergency backup supply.
We 're on the dogs' milk.
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- Dogs' milk!
- Nothing wrong with dogs' milk.
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Full of goodness, full of Vitamins,
full of marrowbone jelly.
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Lasts longer than any other
type of milk, dogs' milk.
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- Why?
- No bugger'll drink it.
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Plus, of course, the advantage
of dogs' milk is that when it goes ofif
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it tastes exactly the same
as when it's fresh.
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Why didn't you tell me, Holly?
135
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What? And spoil your tea?
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- Hang about. We've got contact.
- Punch it up.
137
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Thank goodness! My name's Kryten.
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I'm the service mechanoid
aboard the Nova V.
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We've had a terrible accident.
The male officers died on impact.
140
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The female officers are injured,
but stable. Please help us.
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Is that female as in soft and squidgy?
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- How many?
- Three.
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Miss Jane, Miss Tracey and Miss Anne.
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Am transmitting medical details.
145
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Tell them we're coming aboard!
146
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By God! We'll rescue these fair blooms
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or my name's not
Captain AJ Rimmer, Space Adventurer!
148
00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:12,620
- Thank you, Captain.
- Space Adventurer?
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What am I supposed to say?
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00:09:14,060 --> 00:09:15,940
"Fear not, I'm the bloke
who used to clean the gunk
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00:09:16,020 --> 00:09:17,860
"out of the chicken soup machine!
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00:09:18,780 --> 00:09:20,900
"Actually we know sod all
about space travel,
153
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"but if you've got
a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!"
154
00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:27,460
- Fill them with confidence, won't it?
- How far are we away, Hol?
155
00:09:27,540 --> 00:09:31,100
- About 24 hours.
- What? Only 24 hours?
156
00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:32,820
I'd better start getting ready!
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00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,460
158
00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:36,740
Ow! First in the shower room! (LAUGHS)
159
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I'm so excited.
All six of my nipples are tingling!
160
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What's wrong with him?
We're on a mission of mercy!
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We're taking them urgently needed
medical supplies. We're not on the pull.
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They!
163
00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:07,620
No, we're not on the pull,
are we, Lister?
164
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,140
Look at you. Absolutely pathetic!
165
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:11,500
You're really trying, aren't you?
166
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:13,580
You're wearing all
your least smeggy things.
167
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:16,100
I don't know what you're talking about.
168
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:19,460
That T-shirt, Lister,
with only two curry stains on the front,
169
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,580
you only wear that on special occasions.
170
00:11:22,540 --> 00:11:25,020
You're toffed up to the nines, laddy!
171
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:27,980
What about you?
You look like Clive of India
172
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,140
or the one whose mum does use
new biological Biz!
173
00:11:33,180 --> 00:11:35,300
Oh, it's started! I knew it would!
174
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,740
- What has?
- The put-downs.
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It's always the same when we meet girls.
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Put me down and make yourself look good.
177
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Like when?
178
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,660
Remember those two little brunettes
from Supplies?
179
00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:46,060
And I told them I worked in Stores
180
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,220
and they were really interested
181
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,300
- and asked me exactly what I did there.
- And I said you were a shelf!
182
00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:55,020
Exactly. And then I suggested
a little trip to Titan 200
183
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:58,500
and you said, "Ooh. He's taking you home
to meet his mum already!"
184
00:11:58,580 --> 00:12:01,580
- So? They laughed.
- Yes, at me. At my expense.
185
00:12:01,660 --> 00:12:03,580
Just don't put me down
when we meet them.
186
00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:06,980
Okay. What do you want me to say?
How do you want me to act?
187
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,660
I don't know. Just act with respect.
188
00:12:08,740 --> 00:12:10,060
For a start, don't call me Rimmer.
189
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,140
Why not?
190
00:12:12,220 --> 00:12:14,260
Cos you always put the emphasis
on "Rim" in Rimmer.
191
00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:16,700
Makes me sound like
a lavatory disinfectant.
192
00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:19,580
Well, what do you
want me to call you? Rimére?
193
00:12:20,820 --> 00:12:23,540
I don't know. Um, "Arnie," "Arn."
194
00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:27,900
Something with a bit more...
I don't know. How about Big Man?
195
00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:32,380
Big Man?
196
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:34,540
Or what about the nickname
I had at school?
197
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:35,860
What, Bonehead?
198
00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:39,140
How did you know
my nickname was Bonehead?
199
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:40,580
I was only guessing.
200
00:12:40,740 --> 00:12:42,460
I didn't mean that.
I meant the other one.
201
00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:45,540
- What other one?
- Ace.
202
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:51,620
Get outta town! Your nickname
was never Ace. Maybe Acehole.
203
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,940
It was my nickname at school, actually.
204
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:57,740
It's just no one ever called me it
205
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,700
despite how many times
I let them beat me up.
206
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,940
What are you trying
to say to me, Rimmer?
207
00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:05,140
I'm trying to say build me up,
don't put me down.
208
00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:08,300
- Like?
- Like, If the opportunity occurs
209
00:13:08,380 --> 00:13:10,700
and it crops up naturally
in conversation,
210
00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:13,540
you could perhaps mention
that I'm very brave.
211
00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:16,180
- Do what?
- Don't go ape.
212
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:18,860
Just sort of mention,
perhaps, that I died
213
00:13:18,940 --> 00:13:21,260
and that I was pretty
incredibly brave about it.
214
00:13:23,580 --> 00:13:25,540
I mean, perhaps you could
just mention, hint,
215
00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:26,940
that I've had tons of girlfriends?
216
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:31,980
All right, forget it!
It was just an idea.
217
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:33,500
You're not wearing those boots, are you?
218
00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:34,740
What's wrong with them?
219
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:37,380
Oh, they just don't go,
not with that lot.
220
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:40,380
You should wear
your Day-Glo orange moon boots.
221
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,460
- You said they were disgusting.
- No. Very chic.
222
00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:47,900
You said they smelt like
an orang-utan's posing pouch.
223
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:52,140
They set off one of those
dangerous chemical alarms.
224
00:13:52,220 --> 00:13:53,900
You made me put them in the airlock.
225
00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,100
No. That was a mistake.
226
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:57,020
They really look terrific on you.
I'd wear them.
227
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:58,860
- Honest?
- Definitely.
228
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:10,700
Come along, everybody!
229
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:13,660
They're here. They're in orbit!
230
00:14:16,020 --> 00:14:17,220
(GASPS)
231
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,540
Miss Jane!
232
00:14:20,740 --> 00:14:24,580
You haven't brushed your hair.
What a mess you look.
233
00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:28,300
Smart, but casual.
234
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:40,260
Miss Anne, why,
you haven't touched your soup.
235
00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:43,420
No wonder you're beginning
to look so pasty.
236
00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:46,140
Oh, no!
237
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:48,980
Do eat nicely, Miss Anne!
238
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:50,300
What on Earth will the visitors think
239
00:14:50,380 --> 00:14:52,900
if they see you eating like that? Hmm?
240
00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:56,780
Miss Tracey...
241
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:01,340
No. You look absolutely perfect.
242
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:12,380
- What's that smell?
- I can't smell anything.
243
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:14,820
Are you okay? Your eyes are watering.
244
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:18,940
It's the excitement. Look, we can't wait
for the Cat. Let's just go.
245
00:15:19,060 --> 00:15:20,940
Come on. He's been preparing
for a day and a night.
246
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:22,140
Don't you want to see the result?
247
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:28,380
Ow! Wait for me!
248
00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:39,900
Hi, monkeys! It's me,
the plastic surgeon's nightmare!
249
00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:44,140
- A spacesuit with cufflinks?
- Where'd you get the helmet?
250
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:47,540
I made it myself.
I didn't want to mess up my hair.
251
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:51,140
Hey, listen, we just got to make sure
we don't pass any mirrors,
252
00:15:51,220 --> 00:15:53,860
cos if we do, I'm there for the day!
253
00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:55,100
(SNIFFS)
254
00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:57,020
Phew! What's that smell?
255
00:15:57,140 --> 00:15:59,660
All right? Everybody ready?
Let's go, then.
256
00:16:00,340 --> 00:16:03,940
- What are you doing, Hol?
- What? What's wrong?
257
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,540
The rug, man.
Why are you wearing a toupee?
258
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,140
What toupee?
259
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:10,740
- The one on your head.
- Whose head's that, then?
260
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,900
Your head.
It makes you look like a game show host.
261
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,340
What's wrong with everyone?
262
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:17,180
Three million years without a woman
263
00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:19,060
and you act as if
you're all 14 years old!
264
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,300
- Oh, yeah? What about you and the socks?
- What socks?
265
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:25,580
- Come on! We can't hang about.
- He's wearing two pairs of socks.
266
00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:27,900
- What for?
- One pair to put on his feet,
267
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:30,220
and the other pair to roll up
and put down his trousers.
268
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:52,220
Come in. Come in.
How lovely to meet you.
269
00:16:53,460 --> 00:16:57,260
Giannini
And what a delightful craft you have.
270
00:16:57,340 --> 00:17:00,620
- Reminds me of my first command.
- This way, please.
271
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,500
(WHISPERS) Ace!
272
00:17:12,580 --> 00:17:15,740
- Hey, you're a work of art, baby!
- LISTER: Psst!
273
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,300
You're gonna have to help me, man!
274
00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:24,500
Thank you!
275
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,460
I'm so excited! We all are.
276
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:30,220
The girls could hardly stop themselves
from jumping up and down!
277
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,380
Ah! Charm/ta, charm/ta!
278
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:35,500
Ah! Vi paroles Esperanto,
Kapitano Rimmer?
279
00:17:36,060 --> 00:17:39,260
- Come again?
- You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer?
280
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,180
Oh! Si, si, si! Amor! Oui!
281
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:48,020
Well, here they are.
282
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:50,620
Charm/ta!
283
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:04,660
Well, it's a bit difficult
to know what to say, isn't it, Ace?
284
00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:08,540
Well, isn't anybody going to say hello?
285
00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:11,580
I think the blonde one's
giving you the eye.
286
00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:18,500
Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted.
I'll just go and fix some tea.
287
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,500
- Hi, baby!
- I don't believe this.
288
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:25,300
Be strong, Big Man.
289
00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:28,900
Our first contact with intelligent life
in three million and two years
290
00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:31,060
and it's the android version
of Norman Bates.
291
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:34,740
Come on, guys!
So they're a little on the skinny side!
292
00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:38,860
Listen, girls, I don't know whether
this is the time or place to say this,
293
00:18:38,940 --> 00:18:41,660
but my mate Ace here
is incredibly, incredibly brave.
294
00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:47,820
Smeg off, dog food face.
295
00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:52,540
And he's got just
tons and tons of girlfriends!
296
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:54,180
I'm warning you, Lister.
297
00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:05,220
Is anything the matter?
298
00:19:06,460 --> 00:19:09,020
Anything the matter? They're dead!
299
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:14,500
- Who's dead?
- They are dead! They're all dead!
300
00:19:16,340 --> 00:19:20,700
My God! I was only away two minutes!
301
00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:27,860
They've been dead for centuries!
302
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:30,060
- No.
- Yes!
303
00:19:31,740 --> 00:19:32,740
Are you a doctor?
304
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:36,220
You've only got to look at them!
305
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,140
They've got less meat on them
than a Chicken McNugget!
306
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:47,100
What am I going to do?
(STAMMERS) I'm programmed to serve them.
307
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,380
I think the first thing
we should do is bury them.
308
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:52,620
You're that sure they're dead?
309
00:19:52,740 --> 00:19:55,540
- Yes!
- What about this one?
310
00:19:56,460 --> 00:19:58,620
Uh, there's a simple test.
311
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:01,420
All right, girls, hands up
those of you who are alive.
312
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,700
What am I going to do?
313
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:21,540
KRYTEN: I can't leave them!
Mr David, please, please, take me back!
314
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:24,340
Oh, Kryten,
you've got to start a new life now.
315
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:27,660
I haven't got the software
to cope with this.
316
00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:31,260
I was created to serve.
I serve, therefore I am.
317
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:34,740
That is my purpose,
to serve and have no regard for myself.
318
00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:38,700
- You're beginning to sound like my mum.
- It's all I know.
319
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:40,500
You've got to change, haven't you?
320
00:20:40,580 --> 00:20:42,180
You've got to work out what you want.
321
00:20:42,260 --> 00:20:44,140
Stop being everyone's smegging doormat.
322
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:47,380
That's easy for you to say, Mr David.
You're a human.
323
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:48,780
Only just.
324
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:57,380
Ah, Kryten! Nothing to do, eh?
Follow me.
325
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:48,460
What the smegging hell is going on?
326
00:21:48,980 --> 00:21:51,620
- Good afternoon, Mr David, sir.
- What are these?
327
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:53,380
Your boxer shorts, Mr David, sir.
328
00:21:53,820 --> 00:21:56,780
No way are these my boxer shorts.
These bend!
329
00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:01,740
What have you done to the place?
330
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:03,780
I've done a spot of tidying up.
331
00:22:04,180 --> 00:22:06,140
But where is everything?
332
00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:09,580
Where's me coffee cup
with the mould in it?
333
00:22:10,140 --> 00:22:13,580
- I threw it away, sir.
- But I was breeding that mould!
334
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:18,660
His name was Albert!
I was trying to get him two foot high!
335
00:22:19,020 --> 00:22:22,940
- Why, sir?
- Because it drives Rimmer nuts.
336
00:22:23,020 --> 00:22:25,220
Driving Rimmer nuts
is what keeps me going.
337
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:29,220
- I'm sorry, Mr David, sir.
- Look at you. What are you doing?
338
00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:30,420
Why are you doing all this?
339
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:32,580
Serving makes me happy, sir.
340
00:22:32,820 --> 00:22:33,860
But what about you?
341
00:22:33,940 --> 00:22:35,780
Don't you ever want
to do anything just for yourself?
342
00:22:36,580 --> 00:22:38,460
Myself? (CHUCKLES)
343
00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:41,780
That's a bit of a barmy notion,
if you don't mind my saying so, sir!
344
00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:44,740
Come on. There must be something
you look forward to.
345
00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:49,500
Androids.
346
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:52,100
347
00:22:52,180 --> 00:22:55,100
348
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,300
That stupid soap opera. Why?
349
00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:03,100
Because for half an hour a week,
I can forget I'm me.
350
00:23:03,660 --> 00:23:05,860
Androids. What else?
351
00:23:06,220 --> 00:23:09,700
- Being asleep.
- Androids and being asleep?
352
00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:12,380
Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life
353
00:23:12,460 --> 00:23:14,900
you lead there, Kryten, me old son!
354
00:23:15,580 --> 00:23:17,660
I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep.
355
00:23:17,780 --> 00:23:19,260
Yeah. They're called dreams.
356
00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:23,060
My favourite one is that I'm...
I'm in a garden.
357
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:27,140
I've never even seen a garden,
except in books.
358
00:23:27,940 --> 00:23:31,180
And I've planted everything,
made it grow.
359
00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:35,340
It's my garden
and there's no one there but me,
360
00:23:35,420 --> 00:23:37,980
just me and all the things I made live.
361
00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:39,220
(CHUCKLES)
362
00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:41,100
Silly.
363
00:23:41,540 --> 00:23:44,900
No, it isn't. Find a planet
with an atmosphere and do it.
364
00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:48,460
I can't. I'm programmed to serve.
365
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:51,420
But there's no one to serve now, Kryten.
That's the point.
366
00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:55,300
What about Mr Arnold?
I've got to complete Mr Arnold's tasks.
367
00:23:57,180 --> 00:24:01,020
You what? Rimmer gave you all this?
368
00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:03,740
Well, Mr Arnold is my master now.
369
00:24:03,940 --> 00:24:08,060
Mr Arnold isn't his name.
His name's Rimmer, or Smeghead,
370
00:24:09,340 --> 00:24:12,500
or Dinosaur Breath, or Molecule Mind.
371
00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:15,980
And on a very rare occasion when
you wanna be really mega-polite to him,
372
00:24:16,060 --> 00:24:17,740
Kryten, we're talking mega-polite,
373
00:24:17,820 --> 00:24:19,580
in those exceptional circumstances,
374
00:24:19,660 --> 00:24:21,700
you can call him arsehole.
375
00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:44,420
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
376
00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:54,780
I think it'll be best on that wall,
sort of dominating the room.
377
00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:58,060
- Yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
- "Yes, Mr Arnold, sir!"
378
00:24:58,140 --> 00:25:00,180
You're a total Gwenlyn,
do you know that, Kryten?
379
00:25:00,340 --> 00:25:01,420
Yes, Mr David, sir.
380
00:25:01,620 --> 00:25:04,900
- "Yes, Mr David, sir!"
- Leave it alone, Lister.
381
00:25:04,980 --> 00:25:07,860
It enjoys doing
the tasks I give it. It makes it happy.
382
00:25:08,060 --> 00:25:09,780
- Drop dead, Rimmer.
- Already have done.
383
00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:11,140
Encore.
384
00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:13,660
You'd never get a cat to be a servant.
385
00:25:13,940 --> 00:25:15,740
You ever see a cat return a stick?
386
00:25:16,660 --> 00:25:18,380
"Hey, man, you threw the stick,
387
00:25:18,460 --> 00:25:21,300
"you go get it yourself. I'm busy!
388
00:25:22,180 --> 00:25:23,540
"If you wanted the stick so bad,
389
00:25:23,620 --> 00:25:26,060
"Why'd you throw it away
in the first place?"
390
00:25:26,260 --> 00:25:29,060
Kryten, you never got a thing
from those movies I showed you, did you?
391
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,340
- What movies?
- Mr David was kind enough to take me
392
00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:36,460
to see The Wild Ones,
Easy Riderand Rebel Without a Cause.
393
00:25:36,620 --> 00:25:39,900
I thought it might
do him some good. Fat chance.
394
00:25:39,980 --> 00:25:42,740
In the middle of Marlon Brando's
rebel speech,
395
00:25:42,820 --> 00:25:45,820
he gets out a brush-a-matic
and starts doing me lapels!
396
00:25:46,860 --> 00:25:49,460
Well, now maybe you'll learn, Lister,
there's a natural order
397
00:25:49,540 --> 00:25:53,100
to things in life.
Some give orders, others obey.
398
00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:56,100
That's the way it's always been,
that's the way it's always going to be.
399
00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:57,180
Isn't that true, Kryten?
400
00:25:57,380 --> 00:26:00,940
- Oh, yes, Mr Arnold, sir.
- "Yes, Mr Arnold." What's the point?
401
00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:06,100
- Well, I've finished, Mr Arnold, sir.
- Excellent, Kryten!
402
00:26:13,860 --> 00:26:15,980
KRYTEN: I think it's rather good,
Mr Arnold, don't you, sir?
403
00:26:16,460 --> 00:26:17,820
What are you doing?
404
00:26:18,100 --> 00:26:21,580
I, um... I think I'm, um...
405
00:26:22,260 --> 00:26:23,740
I'm rebelling.
406
00:26:25,420 --> 00:26:28,860
- Rebelling?
- (STAMMERING) I, uh, sort of...
407
00:26:29,460 --> 00:26:31,700
I think that's what I'm doing.
408
00:26:32,780 --> 00:26:34,300
You are rebelling?
409
00:26:34,980 --> 00:26:35,980
Yes.
410
00:26:37,140 --> 00:26:38,780
What are you rebelling against?
411
00:26:43,540 --> 00:26:45,020
(IMITATING MARLON BRANDO)
What do you got?
412
00:26:50,740 --> 00:26:52,340
Dinosaur Breath!
413
00:26:54,340 --> 00:26:55,820
Molecule Mind!
414
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:04,780
Smeg-For-Brains!
415
00:27:06,980 --> 00:27:09,220
- I need your bike!
- You got it!
416
00:27:11,620 --> 00:27:13,340
Swivel on it, punk!
417
00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:26,140
(END THEME SONG PLAYING)
418
00:27:26,220 --> 00:27:29,820
there's no kind of atmosphere
419
00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:33,140
420
00:27:33,220 --> 00:27:36,540
421
00:27:36,620 --> 00:27:39,180
422
00:27:39,260 --> 00:27:42,900
423
00:27:42,980 --> 00:27:46,420
shipwrecked and comatose
424
00:27:46,500 --> 00:27:49,580
425
00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:53,060
426
00:27:53,140 --> 00:27:55,820
427
00:27:55,900 --> 00:27:59,540
428
00:27:59,660 --> 00:28:02,300
429
00:28:02,380 --> 00:28:06,540